Depressed, Part I

Gee, I really should make it a point to blog with greater frequency. A lot has happened since my last post. I am blogging at 7:15am, before I go to my job, and I only have 15 minutes before I have to leave, which is why I know the "Part I" is neccessary.

Anyway, why am I depressed?? Hmmmmmmmm.......Well, let's start with why I WASN'T depressed last week....have I mentioned that I met this guy about 6 weeks ago, (name to be withheld) - we'll call him SC (because he lives in South Carolina), and we hung out twice in San Diego together, and had a BLAST!!! The first time was about 4 weeks ago, and we did so many things...rock climbing, kayaking, wave-runner-ing, clubbing, concert-going, fucking, etc. It was sooooo much fun. However, I knew from the get-go that since he lives in SC and travels all over the world for his job, that a relationship probably wouldn't be brewing. But I really enjoyed his company. He's very funny, hot as hell, and intelligent to boot. He is a little unrefined - talks very Southern Black, and not in an "intelligent" way most of the time, but for some reason, this is something I can overlook. Not a deal breaker. Not that there's any kind of a deal going. So, we spend the weekend together 4 weeks ago, right before school started, and had a blast. I knew he was coming back to San Diego 3.5 weeks later, and sure enough, he did. So last weekend, I went back down to San Diego, and this time we decided not to do so much and just relax. So, we went to the mall a couple of times (didn't really do much there, but had fun conversations), we watched Serena beat up on Jankovic in the US Open Final, we ate a lot at the hotel restaurant, almost got into the jaccuzi, and just generally enjoyed ourselves. He's fun to talk to, and intelligent, too. Did I mention that already? But again, I knew that a relationship probably wouldn't be possible because we live so far apart and because of his travel schedule. So, I tried telling myself that I would just have a good time and that would be that. But it's not. I don't neccessarily want a relationship with this particular person because of his undesirable geography, but this experience in San Diego just reminds me of how once again, I have no one to share my life with. It's been this way for YEARS, and I'm just so damn sick of it, I could cry, laugh, fart, rage, and wither all at the same time. Sigh....

So once again I'm left with nothing to do this Saturday night. I refuse to get back on one of those dating websites. I've been doing those off and on for 6 years, and I've gotten nowhere with them. The most number of dates I've had with any one person on any of those sites is three. That sux.

I'm trying to decide to "take charge," and find myself something to do this Sat., but I am losing energy for that. It's all very depressing. I'm tired of going out, "meeting people," and winding up with nothing in the end - no one in my bed, and no one to spend quality time with. It's really making me feel that nothing is ever going to happen in that realm for me. I feel like my life is being wasted. I'm such a waste. Again, depressing. I have so much energy for life, but I feel like I can't live it. Isn't that stupid? What is the point of living my life if I have no one to share it with? I'm trying not to think of killing myself again - I've been telling myself that there's no guarantee that there's tennis in heaven and if I kill myself, I may never be able to play tennis again. Which reminds me - I've been playing tennis almost everyday, and I'm LOVING it!!! I'm using it to keep my mind off of my empty life. I figure, I can try to play tennis everyday, and when I'm not playing, I can take sleeping pills to sleep away the hours that I'm not either playing tennis or working. Because there is no other kind of playing...I wish I could play with a man during those times I'm not playing tennis (or dancing, or any of the other things I like to do), but that doesn't seem to be a possibility for me. I'm thinking that the sooner I accept that, the sooner I'll...well...I don't know...can't finish that sentence. 'Cause I don't want to accept it because it's so final and so...well...depressing. So I can't accept it, really, but what else can I do because it seems like that's how things might play out??? Sigh...I'm really not doing well.

OK, it's 7:31am. Gotta' run. Will give write Part II this weekend.

Not so pissed

I'm not so pissed anymore. At least, I felt better today and yesterday. Not sure why. I hate to think that my mood is tied to men, but I have to admit that my outlook with regards to the opposite sex has improved. Not so much that I think I'll be in a relationship soon, but just that it might just be OK if I'm not. Even though that'll kill me. Well, it won't really, but it will. Sigh...maybe I should just talk about what's going on in my life and stop trying to figure things out.

So, I've been playing a boatload of tennis. At least once a day, and sometimes twice a day. It's been fun. I'm going to miss playing in the morning once I have to go back to work.

I think I'm over the boy thing. I'm not worried about some improper behavior from the trip coming out and losing my job. I didn't do anything illegal. I did do some things that I probably shouldn't have been doing, but we all have lapses in judgement sometimes, and mine wasn't too terrible, considering the mitigating factors, so I can still hold my head up high and just admit that yes, I made a few poor judgement calls, but I'm still a good person, and even good people make mistakes. If I didn't make mistakes, I wouldn't be human, right??? So, if something happens (which I think is highly unlikely), I now feel like I can face the music and take my lumps. I have a plan. That'll make anyone feel better.

So I went out with Anthony last night. I don't know what it is about Anthony and me, but every time we go out "as friends," something happens, and we have a tendency to want to be something more than that. It's not just him - it's me, too. He is a VERY attractive person, and he's a great guy, so I can see why I keep getting swept up. But why I don't STAY swept up, I don't know. He did tell me he has learned some new "tricks," and he wants to demonstrate them on me. Ooooo la la!!! Maybe now things will stick - you know me - if the physical is going well, then I'm hooked!!! I told him that perhaps we can do something another time (he was begging me to come back to his place). I also told him that I want a relationship with the person I do something physical with next. He seemed aiight with that. Hmmmm....I don't know. We'll see.

Meanwhile, I'm going to San Diego with Randall this coming weekened!!! Whoo hoo! I'm going on a Thursday, and I'll come back on Sunday. This is going to be soooooooooo much fun! We're going to get on a wave runner, go to SeaWorld, perhaps tour an aircraft carrier, maybe go to the Wildlife Safari thingee, see the movie the Mummy (well, maybe), and I'm going to kick his ass at pool. He seems to be very active like me, which I LOVE. I'm sure we'll have a blast. I might screw him on the last night, too. He's a fine specimen of a man. I just hope he's good in bed, too! :-)

Well, I should probably go clean or something. There's so much cleaning to do! I also need to get started with the family reunion stuff. Whew! So much to do! :-)

That's it for me...signing off, unpissed...

Not going well

Things are not going well. I think I may have destroyed my entire teaching career and my entire life by doing one (OK, three) very bad things overseas. One, I should not have been drinking with the kids while in Rome. Two, I should not have been lying on the bed talking with two minors (one girl, one boy), and Three, I should not have admitted my feelings about my other "kid" who is 18, to one of the kids, who is 17 and with a big mouth. I'm done for. I just bought a poisonous plant, and if embarrasing things come out about me, I will eat my poisonous plant. I am going to write my will and testament right now, and I'll be throwing away a bunch of my stuff. I'm sure embarrasing things will come out in September, when this "show" airs, and I am sick to my stomach about it. I will not keep my job, which means I will not keep my life. I'm done. It's over. I'm sorry. Goodbye.

Boys, Boys, Boys!!

Well, I just got back from my trip to Europe, and boy, did I have a BLAST!! Going to Europe in and of itself was fun, but I had such a blast mostly because of my "students," - especially one of them named "Billybob" (not his real name). We had such a great time. Billybob and I didn't start hanging out a lot until Day 4 or 5 (out of a 10-day trip). He started telling me jokes as we were walking from tourist spot to tourist spot, and he had me laughing uproariously!! The thing is, some of his jokes were off-color or downright crass or raunchy, but they were still funny as hell! I sooooo should not have been laughing at him (I"m just encouraging him), but I couldn't help it. So, eventually we started having a debate about techno music and how it sucked (my opinion) vs. how great it is (his opinion). We would go back and forth about how you can or can't dance to it, etc. On Day 5 or 6, the entire group went to a discoteque, and he and I ended up on the stage, on the box, dancing to a song (no, it wasn't techno). This, while some poor Italian sap was trying to figure out how to put his information into my phone. Billybob is actually a pretty good dancer - I was pleasantly surprised.

Then, on the last night, I decided I wasn't going to sleep because we had to be up at 3am anyway to get to the airport by 4am. We all got back to the hotel at 11pm, and the other chaperones didn't say anything about going out, so I wasn't sure what the hell they were doing. But the kids (including Billybob) came to my room and told me they were going out to an Irish Pub. Keep in mind that the official drinking age in Europe is anywhere between 14 and 18, depending on the country. Many of these kids had parents who signed off on them being allowed to drink while on the trip. So, I went with them to the Irish Pub. It was a blast. We did Boom-Boom shots, and I had a screwdriver (vodka and orange juice). We had a nice little time at the bar - I ended up buying three of them drinks because they had run out of cash- and at some point it was time to go. Since the kids had told the other chaperones that they were going out for gellato (Italian ice cream), we decided to actually stop by the gellato place on the way back to the hotel. After gellato, I found myself with my arm around Billybob and his arm around me (along with another girl on the other side of him), and there we were - the three of us arm n arm - walking down the street back to the hotel. So, why oh why did we have to run into the other chaperones????? Ugh!!! I almost died. My big-mouth ass asks them, "So, are you going out to get some drink???" and then I said, "We went out for gellato, what are you talking about???" Then I told them that had I known that they would be going out, I would have gone with them. Oh well. They said something, but I don't know what, and then we were on our merry way again. I know they were thinking, "Did I just see what I think I saw? Billybob and Ms. Fukme arm in arm????" Oh no!!!

So we get back to the hotel, and we go up to the girls' room, but nothing much is happening there. I'm trying to get my crush's attention (this other boy named "Leroy" - not his real name-), so we can go make out, but he's oblivious, so Billybob suggests we go down to my room and hang out. So we do. Along with the other girl, whose name will remain unsaid. So the three of us are in my room, hanging out. Eventually Billybob suggests we "cuddle," which I agree to. So there I am, on my bed, cuddling with a 17 year-old who is supposed to be my "student." That was all we did - there was no kissing, no one's clothes came off, no one was feeling on anyone, etc. Just cuddling. It was fun. I know had I gone out with the adults, there would not have been any cuddling afterwards! So, I'm glad I went out with the kids - they're much more fun anyway. The adults were a bit of a drag!

So now the embarrasing part. I have to leave out a lot because everything can't fit onto this blog, but I have to write about this rather embarassing moment. This whole trip, I had a "crush" on one of my students - this 18 year-old boy named "Leroy," as mentioned above. Leroy and I, in the beginning of the trip, were getting to be buddy-buddy, but I knew I had the hots for him and I couldn't risk anything major happening (I would lose my job if anything sexual happened and people found out), so I pulled away. But I never stopped liking him. So, while Billybob and I were cuddling on the last day, confessions started coming out, and I mentioned that there was someone who I was attracted to. He begged me to tell him who it was, but I refused. Eventually, he got me to agree to tell him who it was at the airport the next day. And I did. Problem is, Billybob has a BIG mouth, and I'm not sure who all he told. If he only told Leroy, that's cool. But he probably shouted it from the rooftop, as they say, which means everyone knows, which is not what I wanted. Sigh...I'll probably never know, and I'm not happy about it. But what can I do? I will most likely never see these people again, so who the hell cares, anyway, huh? But Im still embarrassed.

Sigh...

OK, last thing: Ellen picked me up from the airport, and we went to Denny's afterwards. There I met this hot guy named Randall. He's very tall, very dark, and very handsome!! He lives in South Carolina, though. :-( He was here on business. We've been texting back and forth, though, and I hope something comes of it. He's 28 (much more age-appropriate), and he's an engineer! He will be back in Southern Cal in two weeks (San Diego), and the plan is for us to meet up, since I don't have to be back to school until 8/18. 8/18! Wow! Summer's not over yet, bub!!

Sleeping - A Thing of the Past

Well, there's no sleeping. No sleeping, no sleeping, no sleeping. And yes, the latest guy - the one who I really, really, really, REALLY liked has indeed bitten the dust. Gone. Stood me up on Sunday and haven't called/texted since. Hasn't responded to my calls/texts/emails. Sigh. I really liked him, and I guess he could sense it (or maybe he couldn't). I hate that I let what seemed to be a great guy slip through my fingers. But then, if he stood me up, didn't call, didn't text and has dropped off the face of my Earth, why again is he such a great guy? Doesn't that make him an asshole? So why am I still pining for him? You know, this is the contradictory thing about what my therapist says. She's been trying for 2.5 years to get me to stop intellectualizing relationships. So now I have a guy that I like with my heart, and I need to intellectualize that someone who does such a thing is NOT good for me. Hmmmm...so which is it? Head or Heart? Wouldn't it be nice to have both? But that's impossible.

So, part of me is incredibly bummed about the guy (name can be divulged now: Devin), and a part of me is sick to my stomach that I will never find a guy I actually really, really, really, REALLY like again. I don't know when the last time was that I had sex. I fear it will be THE last time I have sex. Ugh. My skin is all creepy crawly. I feel as if it's because I haven't been touched in such a long time. Sigh...

So for the past five nights, I've been taking the prescription sleeping pills that I got when I had the eye surgery. I LOVE the sleeping pills. They knock you out even if you don't wanna be knocked out. But I'm running low (9 pills left), and no doctor is going to continually prescribe me these pills, ad infinitum. So last night, after talking to my new friend Shelly (who made me feel a lot better about my situation), I decided NOT to take a pill, and I slept for exactly 3.5 hours. Normally, I get between 8 and 8.5 hours, so this 3.5 hour crap is NOT acceptable. So I wake up at 5:30am, lay in bed until 7am, and then get up and start cleaning my windows, which needed a good scrubbing. I hadn't cleaned my windows since I've been in this apartment (4 years), and there was MAJOR dust in the crevices of the window sill. Then I watched tennis until 10am, and tried to go back to sleep. Didn't work. Got up at 12:30pm, watched more tennis, ate lunch, talked to Mitzie (we're getting together tonight to go to her friend's play), read my book, thought I got tired enough to fall asleep, laid down again at 2:45pm with the intention of getting up by 4:20pm, and couldn't get to sleep. It's now 4:09pm, and I'm still on the 3.5 hours. I hope I can get some sleep tonight (without the pills). Otherwise, I'm going to start looking ragged and feeling worse.

I have to go to Europe in 6 days. I'm trying to wean myself off of the sleeping pills, since I'll be on camera for much of the time (doing a Web-based reality show), and I'm really trying not to set a bad example for the kiddies - not to mention the fact that I need all of my strength/faculties to be the group leader on the trip. Sigh...

Lastly, in some of the work I've been doing with my therapist, I (we?) have finally come to the conclusion that I'm selfish and self-centered. I'm trying to stop. I'm not that way in my job with my students, but I am that way in my personal life, which is probably why my personal life sux like a motherfucker. I told my therapist that I don't ALWAYS want to concentrate on the other person because I'm not interested in finding a "child" to have a relationship with- I'm only interested in full-grown men. I can be more focused on children than on myself in my job because I'm the adult and they're the child. There is an inherent superior-inferior/helper-helpee relationship there. I want an EQUAL not someone who is beneath me in maturity. However, whatever in the hell I'm trying isn't working, so I'm going to try something new. I HATE IT, though. HATE IT!!!!!

I'm going to a party on Saturday. Maybe I'll find someone there. Or maybe not. I swear, if I have to be by myself for too long, I'm going to take all 9 of those sleeping pills at the same time, along with the boatload of Vicodin from the surgery and anything else I can get my hands on. I hope this is an empty threat, but I'm afraid it's not.

Why do I frequently end my posts with how I'm going to kill myself? Terrible, I know. I'll try to stop.

Two Posts in One Day!

Alcohol - specifically Vodka. Not the answer, but it is going to be my crutch at least for the next few weeks. I am supposed to be going to Europe July 10-20. I hope I make it 'til then. Until then, Vodka and Lexapro. What a combination. I'm on both now, and about to walk to the store to get mor Vodka. If I die, oh well. My mom will be incredibly hurt and my brothers will never be the same. But my thoughts are killing me anyway. What's the difference?

Another One Bites the Dust?

Ok. So the new guy and I had a date to play tennis this morning. We're both tennis fiends, so tennis is a perfect date for us. We've played tennis three times already on various mornings (including yesterday). So why is it that he fucking stood me up? We had a date for 8:30am (early, yes, but it gets hot REAL FAST in Southern Cal). I txt him last night asking what kind of game he wants to play afterwards since we've always come back to my place afterwards - something like Scrabble or a card game. He doesn't text back. I go to sleep. This morning at 8:30, I txt to ask at which park are we going to play. He doesn't text back. I call at 9:15am to tell him to wake the fuck up (didn't use the profanity, but said it really light and fun) 'cause he has told me that he has trouble getting up early. I don't hear back from him. I txt him around 9:30am to tell him I'm at CSUN (there is a standing mixed doubles drop-in on Sundays and we had thought about going to it). He doesn't come, which I don't expect. I check my phone after tennis (around 11:10am, and still no message). My first thought was, "Another One Bites the Dust." I was bobbing my head to that song all the way to my car. I was also on the verge of a meltdown. As I am now. My anxiety is way too high for my own good. I am getting in the way of myself, but I don't know how to stop it. I don' t think pills are the answer (say, anti-anxiety medication or anti-depressents). I don't know what I should do. I wish I could just forget it and just give up, but I don't think that's possible. At least, not the forgetting part. I think I'll always think about it and want to have someone to love and to love me, but as I have more of these incidences where I go on one, two, and then three dates and that's it, the more I begin to think that it's never going to happen for me. I'm thinking of going on Craig's List and advertising for an honest guy with a large penis who wants to have sex every weekend. Isn't that all I really need? I don't know. I'm lost. Very lost. Once again, thoughts turn to suicide. I don't want to be alone my whole life, but that's the way it looks like it's going to be. :-( My therapist, of course, says that I won't, but I don't see it the way she does. I've been alone for a really long time, and I think I'm so used to it, that I don't know how to be with anyone else. Even though being alone is killing me. Sigh...where are those sleeping pills? There are no kids to disappoint if I do myself in - just my family and friends. Sigh...wish I could find some drugs. I hear when you're on cocaine you don't feel the need to have a guy. I know I shouldn't actually get on cocaine, but I'm thinking about it.

Gotta' run.