Still Pissed, but Disappointed and Other Things, too

I am still having a hard time believing that Brandon just friggin' up and left. I mean, I know I only dated the guy for five or six weeks, but I thought we had a nice little budding relationship going. How can the guy just up and leave without saying goodbye, without there being a fight or an uncomfortable situation, etc? I mean, wasn't he enjoying the sex just as much as I was? I still want the fucker to call me, and I still want there to be some big misunderstanding and that we can get "back together." I keep checking my damned phone. This, despite the fact that he is no longer listed as "Brandon" in my phone - he is now "Redneck Bastard." It's 2:33 in the morning, and I cannot sleep. Not at all. Went to bed around 10pm, and woke up around 1:45, and can't get back to sleep. Too horny. I've also realized that I think that I am unable to have a relationship. I think there is something missing inside of me - in my heart. I am unable to get excited about anyone, no matter how much I like them, because I always think they are just going to leave, anyway. Why get all excited and worked up and happy just to be disappointed and screwed in the end, anyway? I think men know when your heart isn't open, and try as I might, I cannot pry mine open. It seems to be impossible. But I'm horny as hell. So horny I can't sleep. I've decided that maybe I should turn into a deliberate slut instead of being an accidental slut. Accidental because I sleep with guys because I like them, turns out they don't like me that much, and so they leave. i.e. Brandon. So then I have to find someone else and the cycle starts all over again. Disgusting. Why should I wish for a long-term relationship when I'm just going to get scraps anyway? Why not just go for the scraps, knowing that that's what I'm going to get? What a shame that that's all I can come up with. No relationship - just shallow, meaningless sex. How depressing. I don't know how I'm going to get through the next few months. I am a schoolteacher (by accident), and I have the summer off. I'm not looking forward to the summer. I think I'm going to kill myself. Since I can't seem to form relationships, what is the point of being alive? I can't keep trying to sleep, not being able to sleep, being horny, not forming relationships, not falling in love, and spending hour after hour after hour alone. What is the meaning of being lonely, like Justin Timberlake said? I don't see a meaning in it, and I'm tired of being lonely. So, I think I'm going to do myself in. Thing is, I have to wait until the summer because I can't leave my kids in a lurch. I will probably lose my job at the end of the semester, anyway. I think my employer is on to the fact that I am unstable, even though I seem to the outside world to be stable as all get out. I think they know how fucked up in the head I am. I don't think they'll ask me back. So then I have no job, and no relationship prospects because I have no personality, and I have no heart and I can't form male-female bonds with people. I can form other bonds, just not the most important bond there is. And I don't want to live like this. I have been in therapy for 2 years, and I think I've come full circle. I tried to kill myself 2 years ago, but I didn't really know why. Now at least I know why I have to die. It's never going to work because there is something missing inside of me. So stop trying. Get on a "casual encounters" site, do those until you can't stand yourself anymore, and then do yourself in. I've got to get "permission" from my family, though. I hate what it's going to do to my mom and my brothers. I hate that. But I don't see a choice right now. I can't go on like this, and the summer is just going to be worse, not better. I did decide, however, to do something akin to LASIK surgery this summer. I figure, if there is a complication, like I lose my eyesight, it's OK because I'll be dead by the end of the summer, anyway. But at least I'll get to taste what it's like to see without glasses. Then there's the trip to Europe that I might take this summer. Hope that happens, too. The only problem is that there is a family reunion planned for Labor Day weekend, and I've agreed to do the family geneaology for it. Gee, I'd really like to be around for that, but I don't see how that's possible. I hate to disappoint all of my distant relatives, not to mention how much of a slap in the face it is to my ancestors to kill myself. I mean, they worked hard so I could have a good life, and now look what I'm going to do with it. Sucks. Terrible. I fell like a piece of shit. But again, I don't see any way out of it. I wish I could do drugs. Maybe that would make it easier. But I'm too much of a straight-lace, I wouldn't know where to get them, and I could lose my job if I got caught. So I won't. Oh well. The trick now is figuring out how to kill myself... that's for another post.