Another One Bites the Dust?

Ok. So the new guy and I had a date to play tennis this morning. We're both tennis fiends, so tennis is a perfect date for us. We've played tennis three times already on various mornings (including yesterday). So why is it that he fucking stood me up? We had a date for 8:30am (early, yes, but it gets hot REAL FAST in Southern Cal). I txt him last night asking what kind of game he wants to play afterwards since we've always come back to my place afterwards - something like Scrabble or a card game. He doesn't text back. I go to sleep. This morning at 8:30, I txt to ask at which park are we going to play. He doesn't text back. I call at 9:15am to tell him to wake the fuck up (didn't use the profanity, but said it really light and fun) 'cause he has told me that he has trouble getting up early. I don't hear back from him. I txt him around 9:30am to tell him I'm at CSUN (there is a standing mixed doubles drop-in on Sundays and we had thought about going to it). He doesn't come, which I don't expect. I check my phone after tennis (around 11:10am, and still no message). My first thought was, "Another One Bites the Dust." I was bobbing my head to that song all the way to my car. I was also on the verge of a meltdown. As I am now. My anxiety is way too high for my own good. I am getting in the way of myself, but I don't know how to stop it. I don' t think pills are the answer (say, anti-anxiety medication or anti-depressents). I don't know what I should do. I wish I could just forget it and just give up, but I don't think that's possible. At least, not the forgetting part. I think I'll always think about it and want to have someone to love and to love me, but as I have more of these incidences where I go on one, two, and then three dates and that's it, the more I begin to think that it's never going to happen for me. I'm thinking of going on Craig's List and advertising for an honest guy with a large penis who wants to have sex every weekend. Isn't that all I really need? I don't know. I'm lost. Very lost. Once again, thoughts turn to suicide. I don't want to be alone my whole life, but that's the way it looks like it's going to be. :-( My therapist, of course, says that I won't, but I don't see it the way she does. I've been alone for a really long time, and I think I'm so used to it, that I don't know how to be with anyone else. Even though being alone is killing me. Sigh...where are those sleeping pills? There are no kids to disappoint if I do myself in - just my family and friends. Sigh...wish I could find some drugs. I hear when you're on cocaine you don't feel the need to have a guy. I know I shouldn't actually get on cocaine, but I'm thinking about it.

Gotta' run.