Die, Anxieities, Die!!!!!

I am writing this blog with my eyes closed. I have just had the LASIK surgery (OK, not really LASIK, but PRK), and my eyes still have not adjusted to their new condition. I have been told by both my opthamologist and my optometrist that it takes a much longer time to get back to "normal" with PRK than with LASIK, but it stil trips me out that I'm not seeing 100%. So, I am blogginwg with my eyes closed in an unneccessary attempt to "save" my eyes from having to do any unneccessarily hard work. I also must convess that I am also playing in an online poker tournament, which will last anywhere from 6 to 8 hours, so I am really closing my eyes out of guilt. Ah, poker. One of life's great addictions (not that I'm actually addicted, mind you, but it is a nice addiction)! I am plying in a $5 tournament on Poker Stars. Hope to win approx. $7K. $5 for $7K...how cn you not like it??

Anyway, this blog is really about relationships...specifically...my "normally" failed love relationships, so I guess I should get to it. Thanks for listening to me vent. I am now seeing this guy who will remain nameless, and I'm enjoying our newfound relationship immensely. We played tennis this morning, then he came back to my place, whereupon I DID NOT jump his bones, even though I really wanted to....sigh...gotta keep those animal urges in check. Yes, boys, even us hot chicks have animal urges..especially when it comes to hot boys. So...I have come to the concluion that I am a high-anxiety person. Even though we had a very nice time together, I can't help by to have a doomsday scenario in my head. I want so much to have a nice, long, wonderful relationship, that I sometimes can't stay in the moment, enjoy it and see what happens. I am constantely thinkinga bout, "well, what the hell am I going to do to screw this one up?" or, "Maybe I'm not intersting enough," or "I'm wayyyyyy to boring, " o "he's bored with me," or, ...well.. you get the idea. Through this blog, I am trying to get my anxieties out of my system so that when I'm with him (we're seeing each other again tomorrow), I will be calm, cool, level-headed, and...frankly...myself without the anxieties. Sigh...So, what is there to like? Everything!!! He's incredibly handsome, he's as much of a tennis fiend as I am, he enjoys board games (!!!!!) - I mentioned to my therapist that I wanted someone "like my brother," and I think this is what I meant. My therapist, I don't think, understood and instead suggested that there was something incentuous about my desire, but that is NOT the case! Where was I? Oh - he enjoys debating (alot), he's partly a Republican, he enjoys jazz music, wants to visit jazz bars (my fav thing to do outside of tennis)...I can go on and on. I also just enjoy spending time with him. Isn't that enough?

So of course, I'm hoping it all "works out," and I'm a little nervous (no reason to be). I think today I'm going to go out and get a board game (perhaps at Godwill so I don't have to spend much $$), so we can play it when we come back from tennis tomorrow (he mentioned Monolopy and Risk). I just hope I can keep from ripping his cothes off. Hmmmm...I think I can. He's a ood boy. Don't want to corrupt his ass.

I need to just relax and go with it. I think that he is indeed one of the "good guys," I have a tendence to fall for the "bad" ones who just want one thing- see previous list of 6 from first post. I might be able to let my hair down with this guy. As a matter of fact, I should let my hair down because I think being myself with him is not only the best thing to be, but I think that we genuinely complement each other and genuinely like each other, so i can't let my anxieties get the better of me and do things that I normally don't do simply because I'm nervous. If I just let things happen as they may (perhaps try to control the beginning of physical contact), then I'll be just fine because I think he really likes me for me this time. Hope so, at least. :-)

OK - Off to play poker!