Gee, I really should make it a point to blog with greater frequency. A lot has happened since my last post. I am blogging at 7:15am, before I go to my job, and I only have 15 minutes before I have to leave, which is why I know the "Part I" is neccessary.
Anyway, why am I depressed?? Hmmmmmmmm.......Well, let's start with why I WASN'T depressed last week....have I mentioned that I met this guy about 6 weeks ago, (name to be withheld) - we'll call him SC (because he lives in South Carolina), and we hung out twice in San Diego together, and had a BLAST!!! The first time was about 4 weeks ago, and we did so many things...rock climbing, kayaking, wave-runner-ing, clubbing, concert-going, fucking, etc. It was sooooo much fun. However, I knew from the get-go that since he lives in SC and travels all over the world for his job, that a relationship probably wouldn't be brewing. But I really enjoyed his company. He's very funny, hot as hell, and intelligent to boot. He is a little unrefined - talks very Southern Black, and not in an "intelligent" way most of the time, but for some reason, this is something I can overlook. Not a deal breaker. Not that there's any kind of a deal going. So, we spend the weekend together 4 weeks ago, right before school started, and had a blast. I knew he was coming back to San Diego 3.5 weeks later, and sure enough, he did. So last weekend, I went back down to San Diego, and this time we decided not to do so much and just relax. So, we went to the mall a couple of times (didn't really do much there, but had fun conversations), we watched Serena beat up on Jankovic in the US Open Final, we ate a lot at the hotel restaurant, almost got into the jaccuzi, and just generally enjoyed ourselves. He's fun to talk to, and intelligent, too. Did I mention that already? But again, I knew that a relationship probably wouldn't be possible because we live so far apart and because of his travel schedule. So, I tried telling myself that I would just have a good time and that would be that. But it's not. I don't neccessarily want a relationship with this particular person because of his undesirable geography, but this experience in San Diego just reminds me of how once again, I have no one to share my life with. It's been this way for YEARS, and I'm just so damn sick of it, I could cry, laugh, fart, rage, and wither all at the same time. Sigh....
So once again I'm left with nothing to do this Saturday night. I refuse to get back on one of those dating websites. I've been doing those off and on for 6 years, and I've gotten nowhere with them. The most number of dates I've had with any one person on any of those sites is three. That sux.
I'm trying to decide to "take charge," and find myself something to do this Sat., but I am losing energy for that. It's all very depressing. I'm tired of going out, "meeting people," and winding up with nothing in the end - no one in my bed, and no one to spend quality time with. It's really making me feel that nothing is ever going to happen in that realm for me. I feel like my life is being wasted. I'm such a waste. Again, depressing. I have so much energy for life, but I feel like I can't live it. Isn't that stupid? What is the point of living my life if I have no one to share it with? I'm trying not to think of killing myself again - I've been telling myself that there's no guarantee that there's tennis in heaven and if I kill myself, I may never be able to play tennis again. Which reminds me - I've been playing tennis almost everyday, and I'm LOVING it!!! I'm using it to keep my mind off of my empty life. I figure, I can try to play tennis everyday, and when I'm not playing, I can take sleeping pills to sleep away the hours that I'm not either playing tennis or working. Because there is no other kind of playing...I wish I could play with a man during those times I'm not playing tennis (or dancing, or any of the other things I like to do), but that doesn't seem to be a possibility for me. I'm thinking that the sooner I accept that, the sooner I'll...well...I don't know...can't finish that sentence. 'Cause I don't want to accept it because it's so final and so...well...depressing. So I can't accept it, really, but what else can I do because it seems like that's how things might play out??? Sigh...I'm really not doing well.
OK, it's 7:31am. Gotta' run. Will give write Part II this weekend.
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