Two Posts in One Day!

Alcohol - specifically Vodka. Not the answer, but it is going to be my crutch at least for the next few weeks. I am supposed to be going to Europe July 10-20. I hope I make it 'til then. Until then, Vodka and Lexapro. What a combination. I'm on both now, and about to walk to the store to get mor Vodka. If I die, oh well. My mom will be incredibly hurt and my brothers will never be the same. But my thoughts are killing me anyway. What's the difference?

Another One Bites the Dust?

Ok. So the new guy and I had a date to play tennis this morning. We're both tennis fiends, so tennis is a perfect date for us. We've played tennis three times already on various mornings (including yesterday). So why is it that he fucking stood me up? We had a date for 8:30am (early, yes, but it gets hot REAL FAST in Southern Cal). I txt him last night asking what kind of game he wants to play afterwards since we've always come back to my place afterwards - something like Scrabble or a card game. He doesn't text back. I go to sleep. This morning at 8:30, I txt to ask at which park are we going to play. He doesn't text back. I call at 9:15am to tell him to wake the fuck up (didn't use the profanity, but said it really light and fun) 'cause he has told me that he has trouble getting up early. I don't hear back from him. I txt him around 9:30am to tell him I'm at CSUN (there is a standing mixed doubles drop-in on Sundays and we had thought about going to it). He doesn't come, which I don't expect. I check my phone after tennis (around 11:10am, and still no message). My first thought was, "Another One Bites the Dust." I was bobbing my head to that song all the way to my car. I was also on the verge of a meltdown. As I am now. My anxiety is way too high for my own good. I am getting in the way of myself, but I don't know how to stop it. I don' t think pills are the answer (say, anti-anxiety medication or anti-depressents). I don't know what I should do. I wish I could just forget it and just give up, but I don't think that's possible. At least, not the forgetting part. I think I'll always think about it and want to have someone to love and to love me, but as I have more of these incidences where I go on one, two, and then three dates and that's it, the more I begin to think that it's never going to happen for me. I'm thinking of going on Craig's List and advertising for an honest guy with a large penis who wants to have sex every weekend. Isn't that all I really need? I don't know. I'm lost. Very lost. Once again, thoughts turn to suicide. I don't want to be alone my whole life, but that's the way it looks like it's going to be. :-( My therapist, of course, says that I won't, but I don't see it the way she does. I've been alone for a really long time, and I think I'm so used to it, that I don't know how to be with anyone else. Even though being alone is killing me. Sigh...where are those sleeping pills? There are no kids to disappoint if I do myself in - just my family and friends. Sigh...wish I could find some drugs. I hear when you're on cocaine you don't feel the need to have a guy. I know I shouldn't actually get on cocaine, but I'm thinking about it.

Gotta' run.

Die, Anxieities, Die!!!!!

I am writing this blog with my eyes closed. I have just had the LASIK surgery (OK, not really LASIK, but PRK), and my eyes still have not adjusted to their new condition. I have been told by both my opthamologist and my optometrist that it takes a much longer time to get back to "normal" with PRK than with LASIK, but it stil trips me out that I'm not seeing 100%. So, I am blogginwg with my eyes closed in an unneccessary attempt to "save" my eyes from having to do any unneccessarily hard work. I also must convess that I am also playing in an online poker tournament, which will last anywhere from 6 to 8 hours, so I am really closing my eyes out of guilt. Ah, poker. One of life's great addictions (not that I'm actually addicted, mind you, but it is a nice addiction)! I am plying in a $5 tournament on Poker Stars. Hope to win approx. $7K. $5 for $7K...how cn you not like it??

Anyway, this blog is really about relationships...specifically...my "normally" failed love relationships, so I guess I should get to it. Thanks for listening to me vent. I am now seeing this guy who will remain nameless, and I'm enjoying our newfound relationship immensely. We played tennis this morning, then he came back to my place, whereupon I DID NOT jump his bones, even though I really wanted to....sigh...gotta keep those animal urges in check. Yes, boys, even us hot chicks have animal urges..especially when it comes to hot boys. So...I have come to the concluion that I am a high-anxiety person. Even though we had a very nice time together, I can't help by to have a doomsday scenario in my head. I want so much to have a nice, long, wonderful relationship, that I sometimes can't stay in the moment, enjoy it and see what happens. I am constantely thinkinga bout, "well, what the hell am I going to do to screw this one up?" or, "Maybe I'm not intersting enough," or "I'm wayyyyyy to boring, " o "he's bored with me," or, ...well.. you get the idea. Through this blog, I am trying to get my anxieties out of my system so that when I'm with him (we're seeing each other again tomorrow), I will be calm, cool, level-headed, and...frankly...myself without the anxieties. Sigh...So, what is there to like? Everything!!! He's incredibly handsome, he's as much of a tennis fiend as I am, he enjoys board games (!!!!!) - I mentioned to my therapist that I wanted someone "like my brother," and I think this is what I meant. My therapist, I don't think, understood and instead suggested that there was something incentuous about my desire, but that is NOT the case! Where was I? Oh - he enjoys debating (alot), he's partly a Republican, he enjoys jazz music, wants to visit jazz bars (my fav thing to do outside of tennis)...I can go on and on. I also just enjoy spending time with him. Isn't that enough?

So of course, I'm hoping it all "works out," and I'm a little nervous (no reason to be). I think today I'm going to go out and get a board game (perhaps at Godwill so I don't have to spend much $$), so we can play it when we come back from tennis tomorrow (he mentioned Monolopy and Risk). I just hope I can keep from ripping his cothes off. Hmmmm...I think I can. He's a ood boy. Don't want to corrupt his ass.

I need to just relax and go with it. I think that he is indeed one of the "good guys," I have a tendence to fall for the "bad" ones who just want one thing- see previous list of 6 from first post. I might be able to let my hair down with this guy. As a matter of fact, I should let my hair down because I think being myself with him is not only the best thing to be, but I think that we genuinely complement each other and genuinely like each other, so i can't let my anxieties get the better of me and do things that I normally don't do simply because I'm nervous. If I just let things happen as they may (perhaps try to control the beginning of physical contact), then I'll be just fine because I think he really likes me for me this time. Hope so, at least. :-)

OK - Off to play poker!

Getting off the Pissed Wagon

I haven't written in awhile, and I feel terrible about that. I've been wanting to write again, but for various reasons, I haven't (too tired, don't feel like doing the actual work, wondering if anyone else actually reads this anyway...) But I feel compelled to write today because I think I may have actually found someone I can have a real relationship with. I have to say that I'm actually ecstatic about this new "relationship," but I am trying to temper my enthusiasm because I don't want to get too excited about it - you know - trying not to jinx myself. Anyway, I met this guy on a tennis website (I am a tennis FIEND), and originally we got together just to play tennis. Even though I knew he was a HOTTIE when he emailed me (could see his pic), and he probably thought I was a HOTTIE (I, too have a bangin' pic on the site), so there were probably thoughts in the back of both of our minds about making this about more than just tennis. So.....we went out about 2 weeks ago for the first time, and we had a blast (even though he's a 4.0 and I'm a 3.0), and we decided to do it again. Well, I went out of town for a week, and while I was out of town, I texted him and asked him if he wanted to go out again this past Saturday (to play tennis, of course). He agreed, and we played yesterday and he hung out at my place for a bit afterwards. We had several great (heated) conversations about global warming, politics, our Republican tendencies, etc. We both like to debate about things, so it was fun. And he's HOT HOT HOT!!! You know me - I generally only get to date men who are just not repulsive - good-looking ones don't come along very often - so I'm psyched about this guy so far. I really never thought I would find anyone who adored tennis as much as I do. Wonderful! :-) I'm blogging to get all of my wonderful thoughts out of my head so they don't swim around in there and end up drowning me. I have a tendency to think too much about relationships, especially when they first start, and I'm really trying to keep from thinking about this guy too much. I need to be able to concetrate on other things, you know? Well, actually, I don't need to concentrate on other things because it's the summer and I am off of work, so I could sit around and do absolutely nothing if I wanted to. But I don't want to. For example, I have a league tennis match today at 4pm. I'm hoping to actually win this one, even though I'll be wearing my glasses because I'm getting the LASIK surgery soon, so I can't wear my contacts. I don't know how I'm going to win a tennis match wearing GLASSES, for heaven's sake. Sigh...but you see, there ARE things to concentrate on other than my hot new guy. So I'm blogging about it so that I can put him out of my mind, at least for awhile.

The title of this blog is such as it is because I might be getting off the wagon. I'm not sure if it's because of this new guy or just because I realize that life is like this sometimes, and there's nothing you can do. Sometimes (Oftentimes), life isn't what you want it to be, and I just need to accept that. Sure, I had pictured myself married at the age of 24 (or, at least having regular sex by then), and I'm now 31 and I haven't had regular sex in two years (and even that was with someone that I didn't actually like). Before that, I hadn't had regular sex in 4 years (again, with someone who wasn't exactly a good catch). Sigh...here's to hoping that one day soon I will indeed be having regular sex with someone I actually like! Then, my life would be damn near perfect! :-)