Not going well

Things are not going well. I think I may have destroyed my entire teaching career and my entire life by doing one (OK, three) very bad things overseas. One, I should not have been drinking with the kids while in Rome. Two, I should not have been lying on the bed talking with two minors (one girl, one boy), and Three, I should not have admitted my feelings about my other "kid" who is 18, to one of the kids, who is 17 and with a big mouth. I'm done for. I just bought a poisonous plant, and if embarrasing things come out about me, I will eat my poisonous plant. I am going to write my will and testament right now, and I'll be throwing away a bunch of my stuff. I'm sure embarrasing things will come out in September, when this "show" airs, and I am sick to my stomach about it. I will not keep my job, which means I will not keep my life. I'm done. It's over. I'm sorry. Goodbye.

Boys, Boys, Boys!!

Well, I just got back from my trip to Europe, and boy, did I have a BLAST!! Going to Europe in and of itself was fun, but I had such a blast mostly because of my "students," - especially one of them named "Billybob" (not his real name). We had such a great time. Billybob and I didn't start hanging out a lot until Day 4 or 5 (out of a 10-day trip). He started telling me jokes as we were walking from tourist spot to tourist spot, and he had me laughing uproariously!! The thing is, some of his jokes were off-color or downright crass or raunchy, but they were still funny as hell! I sooooo should not have been laughing at him (I"m just encouraging him), but I couldn't help it. So, eventually we started having a debate about techno music and how it sucked (my opinion) vs. how great it is (his opinion). We would go back and forth about how you can or can't dance to it, etc. On Day 5 or 6, the entire group went to a discoteque, and he and I ended up on the stage, on the box, dancing to a song (no, it wasn't techno). This, while some poor Italian sap was trying to figure out how to put his information into my phone. Billybob is actually a pretty good dancer - I was pleasantly surprised.

Then, on the last night, I decided I wasn't going to sleep because we had to be up at 3am anyway to get to the airport by 4am. We all got back to the hotel at 11pm, and the other chaperones didn't say anything about going out, so I wasn't sure what the hell they were doing. But the kids (including Billybob) came to my room and told me they were going out to an Irish Pub. Keep in mind that the official drinking age in Europe is anywhere between 14 and 18, depending on the country. Many of these kids had parents who signed off on them being allowed to drink while on the trip. So, I went with them to the Irish Pub. It was a blast. We did Boom-Boom shots, and I had a screwdriver (vodka and orange juice). We had a nice little time at the bar - I ended up buying three of them drinks because they had run out of cash- and at some point it was time to go. Since the kids had told the other chaperones that they were going out for gellato (Italian ice cream), we decided to actually stop by the gellato place on the way back to the hotel. After gellato, I found myself with my arm around Billybob and his arm around me (along with another girl on the other side of him), and there we were - the three of us arm n arm - walking down the street back to the hotel. So, why oh why did we have to run into the other chaperones????? Ugh!!! I almost died. My big-mouth ass asks them, "So, are you going out to get some drink???" and then I said, "We went out for gellato, what are you talking about???" Then I told them that had I known that they would be going out, I would have gone with them. Oh well. They said something, but I don't know what, and then we were on our merry way again. I know they were thinking, "Did I just see what I think I saw? Billybob and Ms. Fukme arm in arm????" Oh no!!!

So we get back to the hotel, and we go up to the girls' room, but nothing much is happening there. I'm trying to get my crush's attention (this other boy named "Leroy" - not his real name-), so we can go make out, but he's oblivious, so Billybob suggests we go down to my room and hang out. So we do. Along with the other girl, whose name will remain unsaid. So the three of us are in my room, hanging out. Eventually Billybob suggests we "cuddle," which I agree to. So there I am, on my bed, cuddling with a 17 year-old who is supposed to be my "student." That was all we did - there was no kissing, no one's clothes came off, no one was feeling on anyone, etc. Just cuddling. It was fun. I know had I gone out with the adults, there would not have been any cuddling afterwards! So, I'm glad I went out with the kids - they're much more fun anyway. The adults were a bit of a drag!

So now the embarrasing part. I have to leave out a lot because everything can't fit onto this blog, but I have to write about this rather embarassing moment. This whole trip, I had a "crush" on one of my students - this 18 year-old boy named "Leroy," as mentioned above. Leroy and I, in the beginning of the trip, were getting to be buddy-buddy, but I knew I had the hots for him and I couldn't risk anything major happening (I would lose my job if anything sexual happened and people found out), so I pulled away. But I never stopped liking him. So, while Billybob and I were cuddling on the last day, confessions started coming out, and I mentioned that there was someone who I was attracted to. He begged me to tell him who it was, but I refused. Eventually, he got me to agree to tell him who it was at the airport the next day. And I did. Problem is, Billybob has a BIG mouth, and I'm not sure who all he told. If he only told Leroy, that's cool. But he probably shouted it from the rooftop, as they say, which means everyone knows, which is not what I wanted. Sigh...I'll probably never know, and I'm not happy about it. But what can I do? I will most likely never see these people again, so who the hell cares, anyway, huh? But Im still embarrassed.

Sigh...

OK, last thing: Ellen picked me up from the airport, and we went to Denny's afterwards. There I met this hot guy named Randall. He's very tall, very dark, and very handsome!! He lives in South Carolina, though. :-( He was here on business. We've been texting back and forth, though, and I hope something comes of it. He's 28 (much more age-appropriate), and he's an engineer! He will be back in Southern Cal in two weeks (San Diego), and the plan is for us to meet up, since I don't have to be back to school until 8/18. 8/18! Wow! Summer's not over yet, bub!!

Sleeping - A Thing of the Past

Well, there's no sleeping. No sleeping, no sleeping, no sleeping. And yes, the latest guy - the one who I really, really, really, REALLY liked has indeed bitten the dust. Gone. Stood me up on Sunday and haven't called/texted since. Hasn't responded to my calls/texts/emails. Sigh. I really liked him, and I guess he could sense it (or maybe he couldn't). I hate that I let what seemed to be a great guy slip through my fingers. But then, if he stood me up, didn't call, didn't text and has dropped off the face of my Earth, why again is he such a great guy? Doesn't that make him an asshole? So why am I still pining for him? You know, this is the contradictory thing about what my therapist says. She's been trying for 2.5 years to get me to stop intellectualizing relationships. So now I have a guy that I like with my heart, and I need to intellectualize that someone who does such a thing is NOT good for me. Hmmmm...so which is it? Head or Heart? Wouldn't it be nice to have both? But that's impossible.

So, part of me is incredibly bummed about the guy (name can be divulged now: Devin), and a part of me is sick to my stomach that I will never find a guy I actually really, really, really, REALLY like again. I don't know when the last time was that I had sex. I fear it will be THE last time I have sex. Ugh. My skin is all creepy crawly. I feel as if it's because I haven't been touched in such a long time. Sigh...

So for the past five nights, I've been taking the prescription sleeping pills that I got when I had the eye surgery. I LOVE the sleeping pills. They knock you out even if you don't wanna be knocked out. But I'm running low (9 pills left), and no doctor is going to continually prescribe me these pills, ad infinitum. So last night, after talking to my new friend Shelly (who made me feel a lot better about my situation), I decided NOT to take a pill, and I slept for exactly 3.5 hours. Normally, I get between 8 and 8.5 hours, so this 3.5 hour crap is NOT acceptable. So I wake up at 5:30am, lay in bed until 7am, and then get up and start cleaning my windows, which needed a good scrubbing. I hadn't cleaned my windows since I've been in this apartment (4 years), and there was MAJOR dust in the crevices of the window sill. Then I watched tennis until 10am, and tried to go back to sleep. Didn't work. Got up at 12:30pm, watched more tennis, ate lunch, talked to Mitzie (we're getting together tonight to go to her friend's play), read my book, thought I got tired enough to fall asleep, laid down again at 2:45pm with the intention of getting up by 4:20pm, and couldn't get to sleep. It's now 4:09pm, and I'm still on the 3.5 hours. I hope I can get some sleep tonight (without the pills). Otherwise, I'm going to start looking ragged and feeling worse.

I have to go to Europe in 6 days. I'm trying to wean myself off of the sleeping pills, since I'll be on camera for much of the time (doing a Web-based reality show), and I'm really trying not to set a bad example for the kiddies - not to mention the fact that I need all of my strength/faculties to be the group leader on the trip. Sigh...

Lastly, in some of the work I've been doing with my therapist, I (we?) have finally come to the conclusion that I'm selfish and self-centered. I'm trying to stop. I'm not that way in my job with my students, but I am that way in my personal life, which is probably why my personal life sux like a motherfucker. I told my therapist that I don't ALWAYS want to concentrate on the other person because I'm not interested in finding a "child" to have a relationship with- I'm only interested in full-grown men. I can be more focused on children than on myself in my job because I'm the adult and they're the child. There is an inherent superior-inferior/helper-helpee relationship there. I want an EQUAL not someone who is beneath me in maturity. However, whatever in the hell I'm trying isn't working, so I'm going to try something new. I HATE IT, though. HATE IT!!!!!

I'm going to a party on Saturday. Maybe I'll find someone there. Or maybe not. I swear, if I have to be by myself for too long, I'm going to take all 9 of those sleeping pills at the same time, along with the boatload of Vicodin from the surgery and anything else I can get my hands on. I hope this is an empty threat, but I'm afraid it's not.

Why do I frequently end my posts with how I'm going to kill myself? Terrible, I know. I'll try to stop.