Pissed Off

Depressed, Part I

2008-09-12T07:14:00.000-07:00

Gee, I really should make it a point to blog with greater frequency. A lot has happened since my last post. I am blogging at 7:15am, before I go to my job, and I only have 15 minutes before I have to leave, which is why I know the "Part I" is neccessary.

Anyway, why am I depressed?? Hmmmmmmmm.......Well, let's start with why I WASN'T depressed last week....have I mentioned that I met this guy about 6 weeks ago, (name to be withheld) - we'll call him SC (because he lives in South Carolina), and we hung out twice in San Diego together, and had a BLAST!!! The first time was about 4 weeks ago, and we did so many things...rock climbing, kayaking, wave-runner-ing, clubbing, concert-going, fucking, etc. It was sooooo much fun. However, I knew from the get-go that since he lives in SC and travels all over the world for his job, that a relationship probably wouldn't be brewing. But I really enjoyed his company. He's very funny, hot as hell, and intelligent to boot. He is a little unrefined - talks very Southern Black, and not in an "intelligent" way most of the time, but for some reason, this is something I can overlook. Not a deal breaker. Not that there's any kind of a deal going. So, we spend the weekend together 4 weeks ago, right before school started, and had a blast. I knew he was coming back to San Diego 3.5 weeks later, and sure enough, he did. So last weekend, I went back down to San Diego, and this time we decided not to do so much and just relax. So, we went to the mall a couple of times (didn't really do much there, but had fun conversations), we watched Serena beat up on Jankovic in the US Open Final, we ate a lot at the hotel restaurant, almost got into the jaccuzi, and just generally enjoyed ourselves. He's fun to talk to, and intelligent, too. Did I mention that already? But again, I knew that a relationship probably wouldn't be possible because we live so far apart and because of his travel schedule. So, I tried telling myself that I would just have a good time and that would be that. But it's not. I don't neccessarily want a relationship with this particular person because of his undesirable geography, but this experience in San Diego just reminds me of how once again, I have no one to share my life with. It's been this way for YEARS, and I'm just so damn sick of it, I could cry, laugh, fart, rage, and wither all at the same time. Sigh....

So once again I'm left with nothing to do this Saturday night. I refuse to get back on one of those dating websites. I've been doing those off and on for 6 years, and I've gotten nowhere with them. The most number of dates I've had with any one person on any of those sites is three. That sux.

I'm trying to decide to "take charge," and find myself something to do this Sat., but I am losing energy for that. It's all very depressing. I'm tired of going out, "meeting people," and winding up with nothing in the end - no one in my bed, and no one to spend quality time with. It's really making me feel that nothing is ever going to happen in that realm for me. I feel like my life is being wasted. I'm such a waste. Again, depressing. I have so much energy for life, but I feel like I can't live it. Isn't that stupid? What is the point of living my life if I have no one to share it with? I'm trying not to think of killing myself again - I've been telling myself that there's no guarantee that there's tennis in heaven and if I kill myself, I may never be able to play tennis again. Which reminds me - I've been playing tennis almost everyday, and I'm LOVING it!!! I'm using it to keep my mind off of my empty life. I figure, I can try to play tennis everyday, and when I'm not playing, I can take sleeping pills to sleep away the hours that I'm not either playing tennis or working. Because there is no other kind of playing...I wish I could play with a man during those times I'm not playing tennis (or dancing, or any of the other things I like to do), but that doesn't seem to be a possibility for me. I'm thinking that the sooner I accept that, the sooner I'll...well...I don't know...can't finish that sentence. 'Cause I don't want to accept it because it's so final and so...well...depressing. So I can't accept it, really, but what else can I do because it seems like that's how things might play out??? Sigh...I'm really not doing well.

OK, it's 7:31am. Gotta' run. Will give write Part II this weekend.

Not so pissed

2008-08-03T21:31:00.001-07:00

I'm not so pissed anymore. At least, I felt better today and yesterday. Not sure why. I hate to think that my mood is tied to men, but I have to admit that my outlook with regards to the opposite sex has improved. Not so much that I think I'll be in a relationship soon, but just that it might just be OK if I'm not. Even though that'll kill me. Well, it won't really, but it will. Sigh...maybe I should just talk about what's going on in my life and stop trying to figure things out.

So, I've been playing a boatload of tennis. At least once a day, and sometimes twice a day. It's been fun. I'm going to miss playing in the morning once I have to go back to work.

I think I'm over the boy thing. I'm not worried about some improper behavior from the trip coming out and losing my job. I didn't do anything illegal. I did do some things that I probably shouldn't have been doing, but we all have lapses in judgement sometimes, and mine wasn't too terrible, considering the mitigating factors, so I can still hold my head up high and just admit that yes, I made a few poor judgement calls, but I'm still a good person, and even good people make mistakes. If I didn't make mistakes, I wouldn't be human, right??? So, if something happens (which I think is highly unlikely), I now feel like I can face the music and take my lumps. I have a plan. That'll make anyone feel better.

So I went out with Anthony last night. I don't know what it is about Anthony and me, but every time we go out "as friends," something happens, and we have a tendency to want to be something more than that. It's not just him - it's me, too. He is a VERY attractive person, and he's a great guy, so I can see why I keep getting swept up. But why I don't STAY swept up, I don't know. He did tell me he has learned some new "tricks," and he wants to demonstrate them on me. Ooooo la la!!! Maybe now things will stick - you know me - if the physical is going well, then I'm hooked!!! I told him that perhaps we can do something another time (he was begging me to come back to his place). I also told him that I want a relationship with the person I do something physical with next. He seemed aiight with that. Hmmmm....I don't know. We'll see.

Meanwhile, I'm going to San Diego with Randall this coming weekened!!! Whoo hoo! I'm going on a Thursday, and I'll come back on Sunday. This is going to be soooooooooo much fun! We're going to get on a wave runner, go to SeaWorld, perhaps tour an aircraft carrier, maybe go to the Wildlife Safari thingee, see the movie the Mummy (well, maybe), and I'm going to kick his ass at pool. He seems to be very active like me, which I LOVE. I'm sure we'll have a blast. I might screw him on the last night, too. He's a fine specimen of a man. I just hope he's good in bed, too! :-)

Well, I should probably go clean or something. There's so much cleaning to do! I also need to get started with the family reunion stuff. Whew! So much to do! :-)

That's it for me...signing off, unpissed...

Not going well

2008-07-29T10:44:00.001-07:00

Things are not going well. I think I may have destroyed my entire teaching career and my entire life by doing one (OK, three) very bad things overseas. One, I should not have been drinking with the kids while in Rome. Two, I should not have been lying on the bed talking with two minors (one girl, one boy), and Three, I should not have admitted my feelings about my other "kid" who is 18, to one of the kids, who is 17 and with a big mouth. I'm done for. I just bought a poisonous plant, and if embarrasing things come out about me, I will eat my poisonous plant. I am going to write my will and testament right now, and I'll be throwing away a bunch of my stuff. I'm sure embarrasing things will come out in September, when this "show" airs, and I am sick to my stomach about it. I will not keep my job, which means I will not keep my life. I'm done. It's over. I'm sorry. Goodbye.

Boys, Boys, Boys!!

2008-07-23T07:01:00.000-07:00

Well, I just got back from my trip to Europe, and boy, did I have a BLAST!! Going to Europe in and of itself was fun, but I had such a blast mostly because of my "students," - especially one of them named "Billybob" (not his real name). We had such a great time. Billybob and I didn't start hanging out a lot until Day 4 or 5 (out of a 10-day trip). He started telling me jokes as we were walking from tourist spot to tourist spot, and he had me laughing uproariously!! The thing is, some of his jokes were off-color or downright crass or raunchy, but they were still funny as hell! I sooooo should not have been laughing at him (I"m just encouraging him), but I couldn't help it. So, eventually we started having a debate about techno music and how it sucked (my opinion) vs. how great it is (his opinion). We would go back and forth about how you can or can't dance to it, etc. On Day 5 or 6, the entire group went to a discoteque, and he and I ended up on the stage, on the box, dancing to a song (no, it wasn't techno). This, while some poor Italian sap was trying to figure out how to put his information into my phone. Billybob is actually a pretty good dancer - I was pleasantly surprised.

Then, on the last night, I decided I wasn't going to sleep because we had to be up at 3am anyway to get to the airport by 4am. We all got back to the hotel at 11pm, and the other chaperones didn't say anything about going out, so I wasn't sure what the hell they were doing. But the kids (including Billybob) came to my room and told me they were going out to an Irish Pub. Keep in mind that the official drinking age in Europe is anywhere between 14 and 18, depending on the country. Many of these kids had parents who signed off on them being allowed to drink while on the trip. So, I went with them to the Irish Pub. It was a blast. We did Boom-Boom shots, and I had a screwdriver (vodka and orange juice). We had a nice little time at the bar - I ended up buying three of them drinks because they had run out of cash- and at some point it was time to go. Since the kids had told the other chaperones that they were going out for gellato (Italian ice cream), we decided to actually stop by the gellato place on the way back to the hotel. After gellato, I found myself with my arm around Billybob and his arm around me (along with another girl on the other side of him), and there we were - the three of us arm n arm - walking down the street back to the hotel. So, why oh why did we have to run into the other chaperones????? Ugh!!! I almost died. My big-mouth ass asks them, "So, are you going out to get some drink???" and then I said, "We went out for gellato, what are you talking about???" Then I told them that had I known that they would be going out, I would have gone with them. Oh well. They said something, but I don't know what, and then we were on our merry way again. I know they were thinking, "Did I just see what I think I saw? Billybob and Ms. Fukme arm in arm????" Oh no!!!

So we get back to the hotel, and we go up to the girls' room, but nothing much is happening there. I'm trying to get my crush's attention (this other boy named "Leroy" - not his real name-), so we can go make out, but he's oblivious, so Billybob suggests we go down to my room and hang out. So we do. Along with the other girl, whose name will remain unsaid. So the three of us are in my room, hanging out. Eventually Billybob suggests we "cuddle," which I agree to. So there I am, on my bed, cuddling with a 17 year-old who is supposed to be my "student." That was all we did - there was no kissing, no one's clothes came off, no one was feeling on anyone, etc. Just cuddling. It was fun. I know had I gone out with the adults, there would not have been any cuddling afterwards! So, I'm glad I went out with the kids - they're much more fun anyway. The adults were a bit of a drag!

So now the embarrasing part. I have to leave out a lot because everything can't fit onto this blog, but I have to write about this rather embarassing moment. This whole trip, I had a "crush" on one of my students - this 18 year-old boy named "Leroy," as mentioned above. Leroy and I, in the beginning of the trip, were getting to be buddy-buddy, but I knew I had the hots for him and I couldn't risk anything major happening (I would lose my job if anything sexual happened and people found out), so I pulled away. But I never stopped liking him. So, while Billybob and I were cuddling on the last day, confessions started coming out, and I mentioned that there was someone who I was attracted to. He begged me to tell him who it was, but I refused. Eventually, he got me to agree to tell him who it was at the airport the next day. And I did. Problem is, Billybob has a BIG mouth, and I'm not sure who all he told. If he only told Leroy, that's cool. But he probably shouted it from the rooftop, as they say, which means everyone knows, which is not what I wanted. Sigh...I'll probably never know, and I'm not happy about it. But what can I do? I will most likely never see these people again, so who the hell cares, anyway, huh? But Im still embarrassed.

Sigh...

OK, last thing: Ellen picked me up from the airport, and we went to Denny's afterwards. There I met this hot guy named Randall. He's very tall, very dark, and very handsome!! He lives in South Carolina, though. :-( He was here on business. We've been texting back and forth, though, and I hope something comes of it. He's 28 (much more age-appropriate), and he's an engineer! He will be back in Southern Cal in two weeks (San Diego), and the plan is for us to meet up, since I don't have to be back to school until 8/18. 8/18! Wow! Summer's not over yet, bub!!

Sleeping - A Thing of the Past

2008-07-04T15:59:00.000-07:00

Well, there's no sleeping. No sleeping, no sleeping, no sleeping. And yes, the latest guy - the one who I really, really, really, REALLY liked has indeed bitten the dust. Gone. Stood me up on Sunday and haven't called/texted since. Hasn't responded to my calls/texts/emails. Sigh. I really liked him, and I guess he could sense it (or maybe he couldn't). I hate that I let what seemed to be a great guy slip through my fingers. But then, if he stood me up, didn't call, didn't text and has dropped off the face of my Earth, why again is he such a great guy? Doesn't that make him an asshole? So why am I still pining for him? You know, this is the contradictory thing about what my therapist says. She's been trying for 2.5 years to get me to stop intellectualizing relationships. So now I have a guy that I like with my heart, and I need to intellectualize that someone who does such a thing is NOT good for me. Hmmmm...so which is it? Head or Heart? Wouldn't it be nice to have both? But that's impossible.

So, part of me is incredibly bummed about the guy (name can be divulged now: Devin), and a part of me is sick to my stomach that I will never find a guy I actually really, really, really, REALLY like again. I don't know when the last time was that I had sex. I fear it will be THE last time I have sex. Ugh. My skin is all creepy crawly. I feel as if it's because I haven't been touched in such a long time. Sigh...

So for the past five nights, I've been taking the prescription sleeping pills that I got when I had the eye surgery. I LOVE the sleeping pills. They knock you out even if you don't wanna be knocked out. But I'm running low (9 pills left), and no doctor is going to continually prescribe me these pills, ad infinitum. So last night, after talking to my new friend Shelly (who made me feel a lot better about my situation), I decided NOT to take a pill, and I slept for exactly 3.5 hours. Normally, I get between 8 and 8.5 hours, so this 3.5 hour crap is NOT acceptable. So I wake up at 5:30am, lay in bed until 7am, and then get up and start cleaning my windows, which needed a good scrubbing. I hadn't cleaned my windows since I've been in this apartment (4 years), and there was MAJOR dust in the crevices of the window sill. Then I watched tennis until 10am, and tried to go back to sleep. Didn't work. Got up at 12:30pm, watched more tennis, ate lunch, talked to Mitzie (we're getting together tonight to go to her friend's play), read my book, thought I got tired enough to fall asleep, laid down again at 2:45pm with the intention of getting up by 4:20pm, and couldn't get to sleep. It's now 4:09pm, and I'm still on the 3.5 hours. I hope I can get some sleep tonight (without the pills). Otherwise, I'm going to start looking ragged and feeling worse.

I have to go to Europe in 6 days. I'm trying to wean myself off of the sleeping pills, since I'll be on camera for much of the time (doing a Web-based reality show), and I'm really trying not to set a bad example for the kiddies - not to mention the fact that I need all of my strength/faculties to be the group leader on the trip. Sigh...

Lastly, in some of the work I've been doing with my therapist, I (we?) have finally come to the conclusion that I'm selfish and self-centered. I'm trying to stop. I'm not that way in my job with my students, but I am that way in my personal life, which is probably why my personal life sux like a motherfucker. I told my therapist that I don't ALWAYS want to concentrate on the other person because I'm not interested in finding a "child" to have a relationship with- I'm only interested in full-grown men. I can be more focused on children than on myself in my job because I'm the adult and they're the child. There is an inherent superior-inferior/helper-helpee relationship there. I want an EQUAL not someone who is beneath me in maturity. However, whatever in the hell I'm trying isn't working, so I'm going to try something new. I HATE IT, though. HATE IT!!!!!

I'm going to a party on Saturday. Maybe I'll find someone there. Or maybe not. I swear, if I have to be by myself for too long, I'm going to take all 9 of those sleeping pills at the same time, along with the boatload of Vicodin from the surgery and anything else I can get my hands on. I hope this is an empty threat, but I'm afraid it's not.

Why do I frequently end my posts with how I'm going to kill myself? Terrible, I know. I'll try to stop.

Two Posts in One Day!

2008-06-22T13:22:00.000-07:00

Alcohol - specifically Vodka. Not the answer, but it is going to be my crutch at least for the next few weeks. I am supposed to be going to Europe July 10-20. I hope I make it 'til then. Until then, Vodka and Lexapro. What a combination. I'm on both now, and about to walk to the store to get mor Vodka. If I die, oh well. My mom will be incredibly hurt and my brothers will never be the same. But my thoughts are killing me anyway. What's the difference?

Another One Bites the Dust?

2008-06-22T11:29:00.000-07:00

Ok. So the new guy and I had a date to play tennis this morning. We're both tennis fiends, so tennis is a perfect date for us. We've played tennis three times already on various mornings (including yesterday). So why is it that he fucking stood me up? We had a date for 8:30am (early, yes, but it gets hot REAL FAST in Southern Cal). I txt him last night asking what kind of game he wants to play afterwards since we've always come back to my place afterwards - something like Scrabble or a card game. He doesn't text back. I go to sleep. This morning at 8:30, I txt to ask at which park are we going to play. He doesn't text back. I call at 9:15am to tell him to wake the fuck up (didn't use the profanity, but said it really light and fun) 'cause he has told me that he has trouble getting up early. I don't hear back from him. I txt him around 9:30am to tell him I'm at CSUN (there is a standing mixed doubles drop-in on Sundays and we had thought about going to it). He doesn't come, which I don't expect. I check my phone after tennis (around 11:10am, and still no message). My first thought was, "Another One Bites the Dust." I was bobbing my head to that song all the way to my car. I was also on the verge of a meltdown. As I am now. My anxiety is way too high for my own good. I am getting in the way of myself, but I don't know how to stop it. I don' t think pills are the answer (say, anti-anxiety medication or anti-depressents). I don't know what I should do. I wish I could just forget it and just give up, but I don't think that's possible. At least, not the forgetting part. I think I'll always think about it and want to have someone to love and to love me, but as I have more of these incidences where I go on one, two, and then three dates and that's it, the more I begin to think that it's never going to happen for me. I'm thinking of going on Craig's List and advertising for an honest guy with a large penis who wants to have sex every weekend. Isn't that all I really need? I don't know. I'm lost. Very lost. Once again, thoughts turn to suicide. I don't want to be alone my whole life, but that's the way it looks like it's going to be. :-( My therapist, of course, says that I won't, but I don't see it the way she does. I've been alone for a really long time, and I think I'm so used to it, that I don't know how to be with anyone else. Even though being alone is killing me. Sigh...where are those sleeping pills? There are no kids to disappoint if I do myself in - just my family and friends. Sigh...wish I could find some drugs. I hear when you're on cocaine you don't feel the need to have a guy. I know I shouldn't actually get on cocaine, but I'm thinking about it.

Gotta' run.

Die, Anxieities, Die!!!!!

2008-06-21T15:11:00.000-07:00

I am writing this blog with my eyes closed. I have just had the LASIK surgery (OK, not really LASIK, but PRK), and my eyes still have not adjusted to their new condition. I have been told by both my opthamologist and my optometrist that it takes a much longer time to get back to "normal" with PRK than with LASIK, but it stil trips me out that I'm not seeing 100%. So, I am blogginwg with my eyes closed in an unneccessary attempt to "save" my eyes from having to do any unneccessarily hard work. I also must convess that I am also playing in an online poker tournament, which will last anywhere from 6 to 8 hours, so I am really closing my eyes out of guilt. Ah, poker. One of life's great addictions (not that I'm actually addicted, mind you, but it is a nice addiction)! I am plying in a $5 tournament on Poker Stars. Hope to win approx. $7K. $5 for $7K...how cn you not like it??

Anyway, this blog is really about relationships...specifically...my "normally" failed love relationships, so I guess I should get to it. Thanks for listening to me vent. I am now seeing this guy who will remain nameless, and I'm enjoying our newfound relationship immensely. We played tennis this morning, then he came back to my place, whereupon I DID NOT jump his bones, even though I really wanted to....sigh...gotta keep those animal urges in check. Yes, boys, even us hot chicks have animal urges..especially when it comes to hot boys. So...I have come to the concluion that I am a high-anxiety person. Even though we had a very nice time together, I can't help by to have a doomsday scenario in my head. I want so much to have a nice, long, wonderful relationship, that I sometimes can't stay in the moment, enjoy it and see what happens. I am constantely thinkinga bout, "well, what the hell am I going to do to screw this one up?" or, "Maybe I'm not intersting enough," or "I'm wayyyyyy to boring, " o "he's bored with me," or, ...well.. you get the idea. Through this blog, I am trying to get my anxieties out of my system so that when I'm with him (we're seeing each other again tomorrow), I will be calm, cool, level-headed, and...frankly...myself without the anxieties. Sigh...So, what is there to like? Everything!!! He's incredibly handsome, he's as much of a tennis fiend as I am, he enjoys board games (!!!!!) - I mentioned to my therapist that I wanted someone "like my brother," and I think this is what I meant. My therapist, I don't think, understood and instead suggested that there was something incentuous about my desire, but that is NOT the case! Where was I? Oh - he enjoys debating (alot), he's partly a Republican, he enjoys jazz music, wants to visit jazz bars (my fav thing to do outside of tennis)...I can go on and on. I also just enjoy spending time with him. Isn't that enough?

So of course, I'm hoping it all "works out," and I'm a little nervous (no reason to be). I think today I'm going to go out and get a board game (perhaps at Godwill so I don't have to spend much $$), so we can play it when we come back from tennis tomorrow (he mentioned Monolopy and Risk). I just hope I can keep from ripping his cothes off. Hmmmm...I think I can. He's a ood boy. Don't want to corrupt his ass.

I need to just relax and go with it. I think that he is indeed one of the "good guys," I have a tendence to fall for the "bad" ones who just want one thing- see previous list of 6 from first post. I might be able to let my hair down with this guy. As a matter of fact, I should let my hair down because I think being myself with him is not only the best thing to be, but I think that we genuinely complement each other and genuinely like each other, so i can't let my anxieties get the better of me and do things that I normally don't do simply because I'm nervous. If I just let things happen as they may (perhaps try to control the beginning of physical contact), then I'll be just fine because I think he really likes me for me this time. Hope so, at least. :-)

OK - Off to play poker!

Getting off the Pissed Wagon

2008-06-15T08:40:00.001-07:00

I haven't written in awhile, and I feel terrible about that. I've been wanting to write again, but for various reasons, I haven't (too tired, don't feel like doing the actual work, wondering if anyone else actually reads this anyway...) But I feel compelled to write today because I think I may have actually found someone I can have a real relationship with. I have to say that I'm actually ecstatic about this new "relationship," but I am trying to temper my enthusiasm because I don't want to get too excited about it - you know - trying not to jinx myself. Anyway, I met this guy on a tennis website (I am a tennis FIEND), and originally we got together just to play tennis. Even though I knew he was a HOTTIE when he emailed me (could see his pic), and he probably thought I was a HOTTIE (I, too have a bangin' pic on the site), so there were probably thoughts in the back of both of our minds about making this about more than just tennis. So.....we went out about 2 weeks ago for the first time, and we had a blast (even though he's a 4.0 and I'm a 3.0), and we decided to do it again. Well, I went out of town for a week, and while I was out of town, I texted him and asked him if he wanted to go out again this past Saturday (to play tennis, of course). He agreed, and we played yesterday and he hung out at my place for a bit afterwards. We had several great (heated) conversations about global warming, politics, our Republican tendencies, etc. We both like to debate about things, so it was fun. And he's HOT HOT HOT!!! You know me - I generally only get to date men who are just not repulsive - good-looking ones don't come along very often - so I'm psyched about this guy so far. I really never thought I would find anyone who adored tennis as much as I do. Wonderful! :-) I'm blogging to get all of my wonderful thoughts out of my head so they don't swim around in there and end up drowning me. I have a tendency to think too much about relationships, especially when they first start, and I'm really trying to keep from thinking about this guy too much. I need to be able to concetrate on other things, you know? Well, actually, I don't need to concentrate on other things because it's the summer and I am off of work, so I could sit around and do absolutely nothing if I wanted to. But I don't want to. For example, I have a league tennis match today at 4pm. I'm hoping to actually win this one, even though I'll be wearing my glasses because I'm getting the LASIK surgery soon, so I can't wear my contacts. I don't know how I'm going to win a tennis match wearing GLASSES, for heaven's sake. Sigh...but you see, there ARE things to concentrate on other than my hot new guy. So I'm blogging about it so that I can put him out of my mind, at least for awhile.

The title of this blog is such as it is because I might be getting off the wagon. I'm not sure if it's because of this new guy or just because I realize that life is like this sometimes, and there's nothing you can do. Sometimes (Oftentimes), life isn't what you want it to be, and I just need to accept that. Sure, I had pictured myself married at the age of 24 (or, at least having regular sex by then), and I'm now 31 and I haven't had regular sex in two years (and even that was with someone that I didn't actually like). Before that, I hadn't had regular sex in 4 years (again, with someone who wasn't exactly a good catch). Sigh...here's to hoping that one day soon I will indeed be having regular sex with someone I actually like! Then, my life would be damn near perfect! :-)

Still Pissed, but Disappointed and Other Things, too

2008-04-14T02:31:00.001-07:00

I am still having a hard time believing that Brandon just friggin' up and left. I mean, I know I only dated the guy for five or six weeks, but I thought we had a nice little budding relationship going. How can the guy just up and leave without saying goodbye, without there being a fight or an uncomfortable situation, etc? I mean, wasn't he enjoying the sex just as much as I was? I still want the fucker to call me, and I still want there to be some big misunderstanding and that we can get "back together." I keep checking my damned phone. This, despite the fact that he is no longer listed as "Brandon" in my phone - he is now "Redneck Bastard." It's 2:33 in the morning, and I cannot sleep. Not at all. Went to bed around 10pm, and woke up around 1:45, and can't get back to sleep. Too horny. I've also realized that I think that I am unable to have a relationship. I think there is something missing inside of me - in my heart. I am unable to get excited about anyone, no matter how much I like them, because I always think they are just going to leave, anyway. Why get all excited and worked up and happy just to be disappointed and screwed in the end, anyway? I think men know when your heart isn't open, and try as I might, I cannot pry mine open. It seems to be impossible. But I'm horny as hell. So horny I can't sleep. I've decided that maybe I should turn into a deliberate slut instead of being an accidental slut. Accidental because I sleep with guys because I like them, turns out they don't like me that much, and so they leave. i.e. Brandon. So then I have to find someone else and the cycle starts all over again. Disgusting. Why should I wish for a long-term relationship when I'm just going to get scraps anyway? Why not just go for the scraps, knowing that that's what I'm going to get? What a shame that that's all I can come up with. No relationship - just shallow, meaningless sex. How depressing. I don't know how I'm going to get through the next few months. I am a schoolteacher (by accident), and I have the summer off. I'm not looking forward to the summer. I think I'm going to kill myself. Since I can't seem to form relationships, what is the point of being alive? I can't keep trying to sleep, not being able to sleep, being horny, not forming relationships, not falling in love, and spending hour after hour after hour alone. What is the meaning of being lonely, like Justin Timberlake said? I don't see a meaning in it, and I'm tired of being lonely. So, I think I'm going to do myself in. Thing is, I have to wait until the summer because I can't leave my kids in a lurch. I will probably lose my job at the end of the semester, anyway. I think my employer is on to the fact that I am unstable, even though I seem to the outside world to be stable as all get out. I think they know how fucked up in the head I am. I don't think they'll ask me back. So then I have no job, and no relationship prospects because I have no personality, and I have no heart and I can't form male-female bonds with people. I can form other bonds, just not the most important bond there is. And I don't want to live like this. I have been in therapy for 2 years, and I think I've come full circle. I tried to kill myself 2 years ago, but I didn't really know why. Now at least I know why I have to die. It's never going to work because there is something missing inside of me. So stop trying. Get on a "casual encounters" site, do those until you can't stand yourself anymore, and then do yourself in. I've got to get "permission" from my family, though. I hate what it's going to do to my mom and my brothers. I hate that. But I don't see a choice right now. I can't go on like this, and the summer is just going to be worse, not better. I did decide, however, to do something akin to LASIK surgery this summer. I figure, if there is a complication, like I lose my eyesight, it's OK because I'll be dead by the end of the summer, anyway. But at least I'll get to taste what it's like to see without glasses. Then there's the trip to Europe that I might take this summer. Hope that happens, too. The only problem is that there is a family reunion planned for Labor Day weekend, and I've agreed to do the family geneaology for it. Gee, I'd really like to be around for that, but I don't see how that's possible. I hate to disappoint all of my distant relatives, not to mention how much of a slap in the face it is to my ancestors to kill myself. I mean, they worked hard so I could have a good life, and now look what I'm going to do with it. Sucks. Terrible. I fell like a piece of shit. But again, I don't see any way out of it. I wish I could do drugs. Maybe that would make it easier. But I'm too much of a straight-lace, I wouldn't know where to get them, and I could lose my job if I got caught. So I won't. Oh well. The trick now is figuring out how to kill myself... that's for another post.

I am pissed off

2008-04-07T04:14:00.000-07:00

I have decided to write this blog because I am pissed off. Several months ago, I was invited to join Facebook by an ex-boyfriend (whom I still loved at the time), and when I went to his page, it turns out the fucker's engaged and didn't have the balls to tell me. When I pointed this out to him he says, (of course), "I thought I told you!" Bastard. So today (at 4am), I thought about developing that Facebook page (I didn't have the heart to actually do it once I found out that my reason for creating one was to connect with a bastard who is now betrothed to someone else), and I was going to rant and rave there. Then I thought, hmmmmm....maybe I shouldn't do that. After all, employers typically Google prospective employees, and if I ever lose my job, I don't want to be blacklisted because all potential employers could read my Facebook page and see how unstable I am. And I am very mentally unstable. I have thought several times in the past few days about just how I'm going to kill myself. I've tried doing it once before (obviously unsuccessfully), and I'm thinking about doing it again. However, I realize this is impractical, because one can't die without pain, and I don't REALLY want to put myself through any pain. What I really don't want is a botched suicide that leaves me paralyzed, a vegetable, or otherwise unable to do the things I do now. That's what I'm really afraid of. So why do I want to kill myself? One word: men. I have had the WORST luck with men, and I just don't fucking get it. I have no idea why. I am not a bitch. I don't drive them away with my ranting or nagging. Just the opposite. I am very nice and loving. Perhaps that's the problem. Maybe I need to be a bitch. I have been thinking that that's exactly what I'll do. And I just might. If I can bring myself to do it. Trouble is, I don't really want to be a bitch, so will that make me happy? Not. But what else is there to do? Because whatever it is I'm doing now sure as hell isn't working. So, what's this about men that pisses me off? The fact that they are ALWAYS disappearing on me. I have had no less than six men disappear on me. Their names are: Tim, Ariel, Bradley (after whom I tried taking a shitload of sleeping pills), Tony, Keith, and now the latest: Brandon. I haven't talked to Brandon in pretty much over a week. The motherfucker went to Corona last Monday for a job, and he hasn't texted me since. I called and left a message on Wednesday asking if he was OK because he usually texts me nearly everday (hadn't talked to him after he left my house on Sunday morning after we had had hot, passionate sex three times in one night), and he did text me back. However, if I hadn't called, he wouldn't have texted, so it's pretty much like he disappeared after he left my place on Sunday. What a fucking bastard. Is that all he wanted - the sex? Couldn't he just ask for it without pretending so much like he wanted a fucking relationship? I probably would have given it to him, because I like sex just as much as he does (and he's very good at it). Why do men have to be so damned sneaky about shit all the time? Really fucks me up. Which is why my name is Canu Fukmee. I'm just waiting for the next guy to come along and fuck me over - both literally and figuratively, because apparently, that's all I'm good for. And I really don't get it - I mean, I'm very good looking, if I can say so myself, I have very large, beautiful brown eyes, I have medium-to-long hair, I have beautiful skin, I have a beautiful smile, I am very active, I have a hot body, I am very intelligent, and I am a good girl (with just a touch of a wild streak), so why do men feel like they can't be in a relationship with me? What the fuck is wrong? This guy, I was focusing on him - asked him what he wanted for breakfast, what is his favorite beer was so I can be sure to have it in my fridge when he got here, gave him a back rub without expecting one in return, etc. Did I shower him with too much affection and he figured out he could fall in love with me too quickly and then he bolted because he couldn't handle it? I don't know, and I will probably never know (see ex-boyfriend above) because even if I ask him, he will probably never tell me the truth. It is 4:29am, and I have been drinking like a sailor over this problem. How the hell am I supposed to get up at 6am to go to work? Am I going to have to call in sick? I sure as hell hope not. I don't know what I'm going to do. I cannot get my mind to stop spinning (not just from the alcohol, but from the fact that yet again, I've been taken advantage of). I don't know how I am going to get through this. And you know the worst part? I feel like I'm being a pussy. I mean, there are other people with WAY bigger problems than me, so why the hell am I wasting my time having a pity party for myself because a hot chick like me can't get laid every night (or every other night) like I want to and because I'm in my 30s, still not married, with few prospects in sight, and I can't even get into a relationship. The last real relationship (where we actually liked each other) that I was in was about 5-6 years ago. Yeah, that's right - 5 or 6 YEARS! The ex-boyfriend from above was 11 years ago - yeah, YEARS! And I did have a "boyfriend" about 2 years ago, but I really couldn't stand his ass. He was nothing more than a big penis (and he knew it). That's another story. This blog is getting long. How about I cut it off here (no pun intended). Sigh...I feel better already.