Sleeping - A Thing of the Past

Well, there's no sleeping. No sleeping, no sleeping, no sleeping. And yes, the latest guy - the one who I really, really, really, REALLY liked has indeed bitten the dust. Gone. Stood me up on Sunday and haven't called/texted since. Hasn't responded to my calls/texts/emails. Sigh. I really liked him, and I guess he could sense it (or maybe he couldn't). I hate that I let what seemed to be a great guy slip through my fingers. But then, if he stood me up, didn't call, didn't text and has dropped off the face of my Earth, why again is he such a great guy? Doesn't that make him an asshole? So why am I still pining for him? You know, this is the contradictory thing about what my therapist says. She's been trying for 2.5 years to get me to stop intellectualizing relationships. So now I have a guy that I like with my heart, and I need to intellectualize that someone who does such a thing is NOT good for me. Hmmmm...so which is it? Head or Heart? Wouldn't it be nice to have both? But that's impossible.

So, part of me is incredibly bummed about the guy (name can be divulged now: Devin), and a part of me is sick to my stomach that I will never find a guy I actually really, really, really, REALLY like again. I don't know when the last time was that I had sex. I fear it will be THE last time I have sex. Ugh. My skin is all creepy crawly. I feel as if it's because I haven't been touched in such a long time. Sigh...

So for the past five nights, I've been taking the prescription sleeping pills that I got when I had the eye surgery. I LOVE the sleeping pills. They knock you out even if you don't wanna be knocked out. But I'm running low (9 pills left), and no doctor is going to continually prescribe me these pills, ad infinitum. So last night, after talking to my new friend Shelly (who made me feel a lot better about my situation), I decided NOT to take a pill, and I slept for exactly 3.5 hours. Normally, I get between 8 and 8.5 hours, so this 3.5 hour crap is NOT acceptable. So I wake up at 5:30am, lay in bed until 7am, and then get up and start cleaning my windows, which needed a good scrubbing. I hadn't cleaned my windows since I've been in this apartment (4 years), and there was MAJOR dust in the crevices of the window sill. Then I watched tennis until 10am, and tried to go back to sleep. Didn't work. Got up at 12:30pm, watched more tennis, ate lunch, talked to Mitzie (we're getting together tonight to go to her friend's play), read my book, thought I got tired enough to fall asleep, laid down again at 2:45pm with the intention of getting up by 4:20pm, and couldn't get to sleep. It's now 4:09pm, and I'm still on the 3.5 hours. I hope I can get some sleep tonight (without the pills). Otherwise, I'm going to start looking ragged and feeling worse.

I have to go to Europe in 6 days. I'm trying to wean myself off of the sleeping pills, since I'll be on camera for much of the time (doing a Web-based reality show), and I'm really trying not to set a bad example for the kiddies - not to mention the fact that I need all of my strength/faculties to be the group leader on the trip. Sigh...

Lastly, in some of the work I've been doing with my therapist, I (we?) have finally come to the conclusion that I'm selfish and self-centered. I'm trying to stop. I'm not that way in my job with my students, but I am that way in my personal life, which is probably why my personal life sux like a motherfucker. I told my therapist that I don't ALWAYS want to concentrate on the other person because I'm not interested in finding a "child" to have a relationship with- I'm only interested in full-grown men. I can be more focused on children than on myself in my job because I'm the adult and they're the child. There is an inherent superior-inferior/helper-helpee relationship there. I want an EQUAL not someone who is beneath me in maturity. However, whatever in the hell I'm trying isn't working, so I'm going to try something new. I HATE IT, though. HATE IT!!!!!

I'm going to a party on Saturday. Maybe I'll find someone there. Or maybe not. I swear, if I have to be by myself for too long, I'm going to take all 9 of those sleeping pills at the same time, along with the boatload of Vicodin from the surgery and anything else I can get my hands on. I hope this is an empty threat, but I'm afraid it's not.

Why do I frequently end my posts with how I'm going to kill myself? Terrible, I know. I'll try to stop.